This is an open letter to all the misfits out there who expect people to congratulate them on the upcoming births of their grandchildren………by unwed, 16 year old children. One in particular.
That’s right, I didn’t congratulate you and I won’t congratulate you. I know how old your daughter is, you’re not fooling me. I said exactly what I should have said in response to your situation. A congratulatory response on the pregnancy of your underage daughter is not the appropriate response.
You know, it says a lot about you as a person that you would even expect such a thing from people upon telling them that your underage, very irresponsible teenager is pregnant. It doesn’t speak highly of your own sense of responsibility, or common sense for that matter. What it does speak to is the high level of entitlement you feel, thinking that everyone owes you a positive reaction to a very negative situation.
You shouldn’t be happy, right now. Of course, you don’t know that because in your mind, the only thing that matters is that you might obtain some attention from the fact that your daughter is about to make the biggest mistake of her life. I won’t pat you on the back for that. I will, however, look at you with quite an alarming amount of dismay and contempt for such an attitude.
At a time when your daughter needs you to show her proper direction, you have utterly failed. Instead, all you’ve done is reinforce terrible decision making, poor judgement and bad behavior. Instead of saying, “okay, what’s done is done, now let’s talk about an appropriate decision as to the destiny of this child”, you’ve basically said, “thank you for making shitty decisions, let’s continue that by you keeping this child.” I think you’re reprehensible. I think you’re a complete and utter idiot. I think you’ve doomed your own daughter to being as blind and selfish as you have been. I think there will come a time when she’ll resent you for it because if I were her, I sure as hell would. She didn’t even have a fighting chance at living life before tying herself down with children, and you have done nothing to preserve that. All you care about is that you might get some “precious grandbaby” out of the deal.
What kind of a life can that baby even hope to have? Raised by a mother who can’t even take care of herself yet, or worse, by a grandmother who couldn’t even show proper common sense when it came to her own kids! Where will that baby be in 18 years? Will it also be raising children of it’s own, birthed far before their time? Repeating shitty habits and shitty mistakes because of poor role models?? What do you offer it?
No. I won’t congratulate you. The proper response is the one you got. “Oh, wow, that’s not good. I hope that some common sense decisions will be made to preserve the lives of all involved.” That’s the one I’m sticking with.
This is probably the only thing you have every written that I take offense to, since I just announced today, interestingly enough, that my 16 year old is pregnant.
I was married at 16 and got pregnant with her a few months after I got married. You are right, that her life will be different, but in my case, I did not get the chance to raise my oldest…my mother thought I was to young and took her…and now, she raised yet another one, who got pregnant way to young…even moved the boy in there with them because he was being mistreated at home.
Teens are opportunistic and will do anything they can to take advantage of a situation, and short of sewing them up or locking them in closet, there is no 100% way to guarantee this will not happen to anyone.
Do I agree with her getting pregnant? No, I cried my eyes out and wanted to kill my mother for making it so easy for my daughter to get knocked up in the first place. I have gone out of my way since my oldest was old enough to understand to let her know how hard it was, the terrible things that could happen, the freedom she is giving up.
Do you think most hormonal teens give a shit about that? No, they do not. Do I want people to stroke my ego and make me feel better about it? No I do not, but I am not going to sit in the corner and act ashamed that this child now exists. Lack of love and support is one of the reasons I decided to go off on my own at 15. Lack of love and support is one of the reasons my daughter did the same.
So being an asshole about the baby is only going to make a situation worse. What the hell purpose is it going to serve to bitch and moan and cry and act like the friggen world is ending?
Sure, things will be a hell of a lot tougher for her, but that does not mean that her entire life is fucked and ruined. It just means she will have to work that much harder to make something of herself.
Proper direction only goes so far.
Did you not just say one of your kids has been smoking since he was a young teen? Granted, that is not a new person, but how is that better parenting? I am pretty sure you are the type who would school your kids on the dangers and the stupidity of smoking ( I smoke too ) but the truth is, he wanted to smoke, and he found a way to do it, and probably would have with or without your permission.
Sex is no different. I got pregnant with two of my three while ON the pill, and I took it religiously. She got pregnant due to a condom failure. Shit happens.
You can be the most perfect parent in the world, and that child still has the potential to fuck up and make bad choices. You can also be the shittiest parent in the world, and the kid may still turn out to be a great person.
Sitting around hating life, and treating a baby, the child, or the parent/grandparent like a fuck up serves no purpose but to perpetuate the cycle.
I certainly don’t resent my daughter, nor do I resent my mother for anything other than taking my daughter. If my daughter wanted to get rid of the baby, then I would support that decision, but since she does not, then I will support that decision to, and do all I canto make sure she does not have to go through what I went through. A parent,a GOOD parent supports their child, ( I am not talking about enabling, or helping them to continue to make stupid choices ) even when they make mistakes. As much as you bitch about your mother, and as selfish and non supportive as she was, this actually surprised me.
I wish my daughter had waited, and learned from me, but she did not, and I did the best I could do in the situation I was presented with. So does everyone else, no matter what life throws them. Treating everyone like shit all the time does nothing to make this situation or any other situation better. It just breeds more bitterness and misunderstanding and more bullshit.
So I will hold off buying the “Mommy’s little fuck up” onsie and make the best of the situation that is at hand and show my daughter and my grandchild some love and support, since that is what they need, not to be made to feel like idiots and lepers.
I haven’t been able to post comments on here for awhile, let’s see if this works this time.
The people I’m targeting in this rant are people who are throwing parties over their underaged childrens’ pregnancies. What I’m referring to is the types of people who are going, “OMG, You’re pregnant! YAY ME! I GET TO BE A GRANDMA!” I don’t think you fit in this category.
I don’t like offending people I like and respect, but it’s bound to happen from time to time when dealing with people and their differences of opinion. That’s all this is, really. A difference of opinion. I can’t check my values at the door to congratulate someone on a pregnancy when the circumstances really don’t warrant it and aren’t healthy for anyone involved. While any 16 yr old girl could prove the statistics wrong, the odds really aren’t in their favor on it. Granted, this can happen to anyone at any time and we don’t all have crystal balls, nor are any of us perfect. However, I just think the situation in the case I was referring to could have been handled in a better way, and it wasn’t. This lady fully expected balloons and cakes and noise makers because she was going to be a grandmother, far too early.
Supporting your children doesn’t mean encouraging further poor decisions, which is what this lady effectively did. She basically told her daughter to keep the child, which I view as a bad decision. Especially, in that case. Specifically.
I know your situation and I’m sorry you had to go through it. Any of it. All of it. It was painful all the way around, no doubt. And, it’s tough now. But, I know you are not throwing parties right now. That’s the difference. You are not saying, “Way to go!”, you’re not expecting the world to congratulate you. You’re doing what normal people do in this situation. You’re weighing all the possible outcomes and making decisions from there. Your situation, while similar, is different in my opinion. Perhaps that’s just perception thing.
Again, I don’t like offending people I like and respect, so I apologize for that. I just have very old fashioned views on certain things. I believe me, it’s not an issue of thinking I’m perfect because I was barely 19 when I got pregnant with Zen. Not as young, I understand, but still pretty damned young. Maybe that’s why I am as staunch on the subject as I am. This is just me being really weirded out by the fact our society has lost sight of the vicious cycle it’s in. I can’t congratulate that, all I can do is hope they beat the odds.
Perhaps I should have worded the intro differently, because it’s really the “I’m entitled” people I’m referring to.
Oh, I forgot the part about the smoking. Yes. You’re right and yes and has. Yes, we did. Again, I’m not railing on about the sex. They’re gonna do it and shit happens, this was more about people who aren’t being rational and are actually going about it like the kid is doing something RIGHT rather than wrong.
I totally agree with you on most of what you replied with ( And I still love ya, but I am biased in this sitch and fully admit that lol )
I wish more than anything she waited, because most kids that young are freaking doomed, but even more so without support. No parties here, I still have this huge mixed bag of conflicting emotions, because of course I remember my own deal ( and I am so glad you do know my story, as it gives you insight on what I have said ) and the utter SHIT I had to go through as a young mother, and hell, it is still so hard now with my baby girl, whom I had when I was 26.
One way I am lucky is the maturity level of my eldest. She is so much like me, had to grow up so fast, and while of course getting pregnant at her age is not responsible, she was at least trying to NOT get pregnant, so many out there now are children mentally and emotionally and think ” Oh if I have my own baby it HAS to love me” and you and I BOTH know that is horseshit.
After you explaining a bit more about the situation you are talking about, I understand more of what you were saying, and I agree with you.
The ONE thing I can do, the one thing I can hope, is that my love and support will help her not turn into a statistic. We all want what is best for our kids, and you know me, and how I tend to look at 400 outcomes if i can so I am prepared for whatever comes down the line, so I am hoping because I am that way, that i can help her ( without taking over, as my mother did, and then she drops the ball so hard once the kid gets older, she was the same with me ) to make something of herself ( as long as she is willing to put the work in ) and know that her life does not have to be over. ( And for the love of Pete NOT have anymore until she is older and able to do what she needs to do without someone having to take care of her.)
Thanks for understanding, and I hope I did not come across as trying to rip your face off lol. I was not trying to. I was a little raw since I had JUST posted something about it like ten minutes before lol.
I think that your daughter was doing what she could to try and prevent a bad situation. It does speak to her maturity level because you’re right, most just don’t care. Those are the ones who will be statistics. The kids that actually think about the situation enough to know they need precautions are the ones who generally have happy outcomes.
Mouth is 18, now. He’s got so many 16 yr old friends who are expecting babies right now. He comes home with a new story almost daily. It’s happening literally everywhere we look. Most of those people’s parents just don’t give a shit and that’s why their kids don’t, either. Those are the people who piss me off. Those are the people who are out there throwing parties and wanting everyone else to see their elation, when really it’s rather tragic.
I always told my boys to wait until they were 30 or over to marry. To wait until they were 30 or over to tie themselves down with kids. So far, so good, but this could happen to me just as easily. Thankfully, it hasn’t.
I hadn’t seen your post, otherwise I might not have posted this today. Weird timing. LOL! I hope everything works out for the best with your daughter and her baby, and with you. I know things have been hell for you lately. Don’t worry, you didn’t rip my face off, it’s still here ugly as ever.