This is why I was doing letters to the family for the last couple of years. It never fails, if I don’t specifically state it in plain English terms, they use their selective memories to conveniently forget the way things go. And, so I get the dreaded phone call from all corners of the damned globe asking me the forbidden question!
“What do you guys want for Christmas?”
I hate that question. I hate it with all the red, hot, anger that hatred of this sort conjures up. I hate it because it’s a trick question.
If I tell you what I want for Christmas, I’m going to give you a list of practicalities. I’m going to give you a list of mundane items that we need. Not items we “want”. I will do this because we are middle class people. We save money for what we need during the year because we are on a budget. We don’t get to run out and get things on whim when we feel like it. We used to use Christmas as a time when we could make a bucket list of things we actually, really needed and get those out of the way to make our lives a little better for us during the year. You know, less stressful.
But, no. That’s not good enough for the fam, is it? No, it’s not. See, our Christmas lists were too boring. We would get snide comments like, “Why would you want THAT for Christmas?! That’s so boring, it’s no fun. Christmas is a time for fun.”
Fuck your fun.
Thank you for ruining my Christmas for several years by thinking my Christmas lists weren’t fun enough. That’s so fabulous of you. We got to worry about saving pennies on a schedule for months on end to get things we needed because you thought that a better gift idea would be a cookbook put together by your local church community, or maybe a mug with a crown of thorns on it and a cross of rusty nails that said, “He Chose Nails”. You thought that buying us things we aren’t interested in and don’t need was a better idea than getting us real things we need! We got to sit and look at these items and know we were stuck with the gaudy things instead of actually putting things to good use.
This has been going on for as long as I can remember. Even as a kid there would be things under the tree that never got used and just took up space and collected dust, and the stuff I did ask for? Never to be seen.
People make lists because they know that the things they’re asking for will get used. Those are things they’ve been eyeing, they know they want them. That gaudy Christmas sweater you bought it just going to end up moth eaten in the closet because no one would ever wear that nasty thing!
We really needed those bed sheets. You just don’t understand, do you? Those bed sheets would have come in handy since we only had one set and they were getting holes in them. We really needed the kitchenware and the new socks and pants. But, no. I can make Southern Texas Fried Steak 7 different ways, but my big toe is sticking out the top of my sock.
Here’s the truth of it. Yes, there are things that I don’t need that I really do want for Christmas. However, if I were to hand you a list of those items, you would soil your underwear and tell me what a greedy pig I am. You think you wouldn’t, wanna bet?! Yes, you most definitely would. I’d be a greedy pig because an iPad Mini is $500. The iMac that I want is $1500. My HAM radio transceiver is…..well you don’t wanna know.
You people can’t buy me what I want. Because what I want isn’t something you ask for on Christmas unless you’re related to Donald fucking Trump. What I consider “fun” and what you consider “fun” are two different things, I assure you. That singing fish wall ornament? Not fun. Fine for you, I’m glad you’re laughing. But, on the inside, I’m crying tears of sadness because all I wanted was the sweet, sweet bliss of a fresh pair of socks for Christmas.
So, please stop asking me every year what I want for Christmas. You don’t want the answer in either case, I don’t even know what you’re fishing for anymore. You KNOW you’re not going to buy what I ask for either way.
Don’t buy me anything, for gawd’s sake! Just give me a Happy Holidays or a gift card if you MUST buy something.
Note: I know that someone is inevitably ask me about the “He Chose the Nails” mug. The answer is yes, it really exists and sadly I still own it. Here it is in all of it’s very disturbing glory.
The back of it is the latter picture. I cannot fathom why this mug was ever produced or how someone could actually justify giving it out as being “appropriate” but, this is one of the gifts that my husband and I got for Christmas of 2005 from my in laws.
If you look closely at the first picture, you’ll see that the crown is made of thorns and the cross is made up entirely of rusty nails. I can’t understand why people would want to be this morbid in their religion. Worshiping something like this just turns my stomach, which is part of the reason it never has done anything for me. I have to own this because my in laws are well aware that we had one. If I break it, they’ll replace it.
It’s one of the most offensive things I’ve ever seen in my life.